I’ve been thinking a lot lately about capacity. In that my capacity to take on the challenges of my job has recently and bizarrely felt almost physical. My (relatively) tiny frame feels like it’s almost overwhelmed by the seemingly daily office dramas and dilemmas. It’s like the burden is literally on my shoulders.
I suppose I’ve been aware for a long time that I have the mental capacity to handle a great deal. As I was growing up, I faced things that cause a lot of people to crack and I never have, I think because I have some pretty good coping mechanisms as well as wonderful family and friends. This may or may not be a healthy thing, of course. It may be that I just internalise things and I don’t really deal with them. And one day, they’ll all mount up and I’ll experience one big melt down. There’s something to look forward to.
So, for the first time, my physical capacity seems stretched to its very limit (that was the point of this blog entry). And I am, frankly, exhausted by the constant, violent yo-yoing of my confidence in my own abilities and my subsequent enjoyment of the job.
And I’m trying to decide if it’s a result of my relative immaturity in terms of my career or if it will always be like this but I’ll simply develop strategies over time to deal with it.
It’s not enough to want to give up at this stage but it is starting to feel enough to consider it.